How could I know you were setting the stage?

Coming to me in such a subtle way

As your true self held at bay

Feeling alone and full of pain

Comfort and warmth thought I’d gain

Did not know you were just an illusion

To a child lost in confusion

You were my first love

Conceived you as a beautiful dove

Giving to you trust in full

Stronger and stronger became your pull

As my life starts to begin

Always you helped me fit in

To the lost soul led the way

Deeper and deeper day by day

Now full in you led my direction

Your complete intent to no detection

Years now began to pass

You knew then our love would last

Every time I felt a loss

Comfort to me you would toss

Although I let you lead the way

I did not know the price I ’d pay

As decades passed I began to see

 That you were not the one for me

Finally by then your grip was tight

No escape in the fleeing flight

More and more I wanted to leave

But only loss could I achieve

Now looking back at my empty life

 I know now who held the knife

Cut so deep to my very soul

Stripped naked, taken whole

Seeing now that you only exist

Inside of me does your presence persist

The true one protecting me

In good time, set me free

Goodbye you retched flower

Turning now to my higher power

I have now a new defender

To that one I do surrender

Written by Wayne

A joy, a depression, a meanness,
Some momentary awareness comes
As an unexpected visitor.

Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they’re a crowd of sorrows,
Who violently sweep your house
Empty of its furniture,

Still, treat each guest honorably.
It may be clearing you out
For some new delight.

The dark thought, the shame, the malice.
Meet them at the door laughing,
And invite them in.

Be grateful for whoever comes,
Because each has been sent
As a guide from beyond.

You gave me tools
I need to get by
Without them I know
I surely would die

By the grace of God
I found my way here
I’m no longer alone
Nor do I live in fear

You passed no judgements
But loved me for me
You unlocked the shackles
So I can live free

Now that I’m free
To roam as I please
I know how to fight
This sneaky disease

I must go to meetings
And give people greetings
Wake up everyday and
Indulge in readings

I leave this life
Behind in the dirt
So, beam me up Scotty
Let’s go Captain Kirk

My imprisonment from false conviction.
With bondage chained to my destruction.
My freedom caged in a psychological jail cell
Sentenced by you. Confined and sentenced by you.

My affection, my continued loyalty, and hopes.
You took to your advantage: My mind, your manipulation.
Teasing my release in substitution by 18-24 hour passes.
Following false senses, all you ever did was give me
A sense of healing, a sense of freedom’s possibility,
A sense of possible freedom. A chance of appeal to my bondage.
To the bullshit passes, 18-24 hours of an open door.

My case reviewed by you, my requests denied by you.
Your creation of my affliction to all of my addictions.
You locked me up by persuasion, by manipulation of my situation.

My release is long overdue. My release, long overdue.
My family & fellows have bailed me out by a simple word,
Help.

I, Eric paid your expenses, paid for your stay.
I, covered your comforts, I covered your debts.
Bankruptcy I attempted to avoid.
Payouts by my emotional wellness, spiritual wellness, the list goes on.
Lost in love.

I have had a relationship with you for many years, sometimes very close and intimate, where I have shared with you my secrets and sometimes I withdrew and distanced myself from your influence.

In the beginning the sweet nectar of you allure drew me into some really good social times with classmates, family and friends. But being innocent and naive, I exercised caution in how much I partook of your social lubricant because I didn’t know myself. Sometimes you helped remove the shyness barrier that enveloped me since childhood. Man, did I feel like I was on top of the world and could do almost anything.

There were a couple of times when I over-indulged that just about cost me a night in the drunk tank but I was young and naive and would be easily forgiven for my trespasses by my cronies after eating just a wee of bit of humble pie.  This happened a few times over the next few years but I did not it take to the point of loss of self control and the proverbial black-outs. id I pay much attention to this..nah…..I was a young man just feeling his oats so to speak. Did I ever think that few little sprees would ever lead to me into dark thorny woods of you insidiousness, of course not; I was a forester that could deal with anything that inhabited the woods.

Not until later years did I see your deadly nature and how you could pervert me into something I was not and creating havoc on things and people that meant a lot to me. I really have to admit you are a cunning, baffling and powerful and you are so slick in capturing prisoners that the only way out is death. Was this your fault? No you were a means to an end. You were justa tool used by my ego to pulverize me into a worthless, useless, self-centered mass of quivering human flesh. My ego would continue to prostitute your services until there was no more left of me except ashes or a meager stone in a cemetery. The ego wants me dead and it is that simple. It will use you to corrupt me, my values and beliefs, my way of life, my loved ones, my dear friends and anyone else who strolled into my path of self directed destruction.

You and the ego know all too well that you were almost successful in that blitzkrieg last fall. Someone shook me and dusted me off and the message became very clear…. a Higher Force pushed me to abandon you and get a new path well distant from you and your deceptions. I yielded to the fight with you and surrendered. You know things started to happen where I didn’t use you as a crutch or a shoulder to cry on ans share my secrets. The air started to take on a fresh, tingly aroma and that aroma was strength, courage and hope. The AA army infused bit and bites of this new world of hope and recovery. But they warned me, to be vigilant every day and continue to smash at your boss the ego and put him out of the business of poisoning my mental, physical and emotional affairs.

As the months went by, I bathed in the peace of not seeing the glass markers of your existence and the subtle but steady draw down on my financial resources…. I truly felt the Higher Force had securely gripped me and was leading me down the happy path of sobriety, being the person I was meant to be and giving back what i was freely given.

But what happened I can;t really comprehend…. my guard came and my new sense of self-confidence got too flippant. The stage was set was failure and you knew this was going to happen and you waited patiently just a black jaguar to make a horrendous leap on that last kill. Of course you had to play with me just like any feline before the final coup of destruction was administered.

Now I know that I didn’t grip back the Higher Force with the same tenacity that he gripped me…. I slowly lost grip and you were circling below waiting for your spoils of death. I fell and fell hard and you were standing over me with jaws apart showing those razor sharp canines ready to take the ultimate bite of my existence.

Again, my Higher Force mustered his forces of angels to pull me back and escape the hideous death of your blackness. I know the ego was pulling out all the stops…. he wanted me bad.

Just for today, I am still alive and recovering. I now wear new armor made by AA and on my belt I carry some new tools to thwart any of your attacks. You are still out there and I know you want me but I will fight you off and I will share my tools with any other of your intended victims as we are an army that will never go away just like you will never go away. You may get some souls in your quest for annihilation and I pray for them. We are out there to help them and snatch them away from your cavern of oblivion. Our hands are always out there to help but they must reach back and re-inforce their grip to a sober life on a daily basis just like I have to.

With this all said and done, the conclusion is rather apparent isn’t it! You are evil, corrupt, have cost me bear and dear relationships, hurt my true friends and almost cost me my life. I’m done with you and I now trust my life and will over to the loving grace of my Higher Force to lead me on a spiritual path of love and happiness. My sword will ever be sharp to “Cut” you deeply and fatally from harming any aspect of my spiritual, physical, emotional being and that of my companions on the same journey.

Till death do us part!

Gary